I woke up this morning, seeing the light was shinning in the window. A sudden wave of anxiety hit me and I popped up to look at the clock and see what time it was. It was only 8 a.m. though the first thought I had in my mind was I’m late and I have to get up. Why? I don’t know, it was Sunday with nothing on the list of things to do, but that didn’t matter. I got up and went downstairs, did the ritual coffee, feed cat, unload dishwasher, meds., etc.
Then my mind went to my blog, and again that anxiety started to build. What posts do I have to work on, which ones need to be posted, check my comments, reply, view my reader and figure out what needs to be done in advance for next week; so I don’t fall behind.
Maybe you haven’t noticed but I’m a bit ADD and tend to jump subjects a lot! Granted, I do have interests in lots of different topics, but the need to “produce” them like a schedule was not the plan.
Before I started this blog my goal was to do something I had an interest in, to give in someway and perhaps unrealistically do something I was good at; writing. There was/is plenty of encouragement from family and I guess that should have been a positive thing, but actually it wasn’t; it only added to the pressure to perform and the fear of failure.
Now I sit here reflecting on things, maybe because I’m a year older. I don’t want to let anyone down, and I know this pace of constant expectations from others is really wearing me down, physically and mentally. Hence my dilemma! The battle between quality and quantity verses want and need; not a good mixture for a person like me.
How do I fit in all the demands of wanting to do this full-time or in the very least in a serious capacity, and balance that with more real world obligations and not lose my mind completely in the process, or have a stress induced coronary? I don’t want to sit at my deck racking my brain 24/7 on topics, and if I’m being completely honest, have this compulsive need to check my stats and if they go down feeling like I failed.
These are all questions I wish I had the answers to; maybe the blowing out of the candles yesterday will help!